Am I sad, or am I mad?

Ok, I wrote this big venting journal earlier but I've calmed down now so I cut it down a bit. :)

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Yeah, I'm not doing so well today. Not only has somebody very close and dear emotionally hurt me, but I had written an introspective entry that just got deleted when I tried to save it. Not doing well at all.

I can't seem to decide if I am depressed, fuming angry, numb, or just plain washed my hands of this whole situation. Rather than lie around in bed on this rainy day, alternating between crying, cussing, and sleeping, I thought it would do me better to sit in this lively coffee shop in Boulder, hoping that the social atmosphere would raise my mood a little bit. Instead, I'm even more aggrivated because the internet connection crashed and I lost my journal entry. Grrrrr. Plus, I am sad because I don't have anybody out here to talk to and comfort me, so I'm missing my friends and family even more.

I am fed up with dishonesty. And I don't just mean plain-out lies - I mean half truths that don't tell the whole story. I think those are the most dangerous - they're so hard to identify because nothing false is being said, but the story it tells can be so different from reality. It's not even just myself that has suffered because of these incomplete truths; I'm just fortunate enough to now know I was being mislead. Why can't he just tell the truth?! How can somebody mislead those that love them, when in the end it will only cause pain??

If you cause somebody pain, be responsible and deal with the consequences of your actions! Deal with it, tell the truth, and right your wrongs! People who love you deserve to know what's REALLY going on so that they can make an INFORMED decision whether to forgive you for treating them poorly, or tell you to go to hell. Don't the people who love you and who you love at least deserve that?? It's not fair to play with people's emotions when they love you. It's just not right.

Mad, sad... Sunday was fantastic, full of fun and romance. Monday, everything changed. The pace of change is just nauseating and I still don't have my bearings on how Ireally feel. I guess that makes me lost...

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But, life goes on. I woke up early (couldn't sleep, go figure) and finally got mylicense. I'm officially a Colorado resident! I was very excited, but I'm so sad and depressed right now, I'm just plain homesick. I miss my family and friends, I miss the three terror dogs at my mom's house and I'm bummed I can't watch Tara's puppy and Wilson frolick in the garden hose. I feel so alone and rejected right now, I trusted him completely. How can you trust anybody, when the one that loves you does that??

I am listening to the Killers and it is making me feel a little better. It reminds me of Michigan - dancing at 5th Avenue with Jess, and of Linda helping me move that last chaotic week in Royal Oak. Plus, it's her CD so I should probably mail that to her soon. :) It just makes me feel a little bit warm and happy. And now I am chatting with Jeff online! Good to talk to him!

I feel better now, and I just might have a place to live in Lyons! Woo hoo! Gotta go check it out now!

Thanks guys for cheering me up!!