what now?

well, it's done.

after a long day of sitting totally by myself, dutifully tap-tap-tapping away on the keyboard, i told bossman that it wasn't working out for me. i guess he was very  happy with how i was doing, and impressed with my amazing typing skills, and sad to hear that i wasn't going to stick around and be his partner. i felt like such a schmuck - after being alone all day with only the cats to meow at, i was very happy to talk to him; he was happy to be home after being on the run all day. we were both in good mood but i had to go and ruin it. it made me almost reconsider quitting, because i really like the guy and think he is a great person providing a great service... i just know that it's not for me. i am either done at the end of the week, or in two weeks if nobody takes the job right away.

back to square one. what now?

bought a book on how to write magazine articles. in case ya'll haven't noticed, i enjoy writing. i almost thought about studying that in college. then again, i thought about studying engineering, architecture, landscape architecture, art, and music in college so i guess that doesn't really mean much. ;)  i don't think i'll ever have just ONE job for the rest of my life, unless it's a job that provides a variety of opportunities for me. i just get too bored too fast.

semi-related subject... so i had shown my cityworker friends some of the pictures i wanted to submit to the contest, and they of course wanted a copy for themselves. i was a bit hesitant but let them print up a spicy picture - not too revealing or anything, but still i have all this makeup on and cleavage everywhere - and i said DONT LET ANYONE FIND THIS! what happens? their boss finds it. the sexist boss that hates me (and i hate him). sometimes i want to punch tillman right in the MOUF. evil pigboss of course starts drilling tillman for answers and trying to see if i sent it over email. if i sent it over email then i'd get in trouble, see. but ah-ha! i did not do such a thing. rot in hell, pigboss.

quitter

shh, don't tell anyone. i have a secret.

i'm quitting my job.

GASP! look, i've gone and done it again. sorry kids, i don't settle for crappy jobs. if i remember correctly, i applied (and accepted) a restoration assistant job.

sounds like a fancy name for "secretary" if you ask me. anyone who knows me can understand how much of a mismatch that would be.

lisa is to secretary as george w is to president

i think you get the picture.

yeah i dont want to linger on it any longer, but that hour drive gave me plenty of time to reflect on the past week. lots and lots of LB (little bitch) duties. But i need to put that out of my mind (serenity now! serenity now!), lest i be awake all night, simmering in my anxiety. it sounded so good on paper! but between the insane commute (i'd probably die in a bout of road rage if i kept it up much longer anyway!), sitting on my arsch and answering phone messages like a secretary... i could get paid a lot more - with benefits - if i did the same thing thru Kelly Temp. It's like the secretaries at doctor's offices - just because they work there, doesn't make them doctors. just because they understand the lingo doesn't mean they can diagnose. i want to be an enviro consultant, not a seed-mixing, inventory-processing, fax wench!

see, look, there i go again. getting myself all riled up.

putting in my two weeks notice is going to suck. i'm also ticked because he wants me to make a 1 1/2 hr powerpoint presentation for a bunch of high-roller professionals. in my eyes, i dont get paid enough considering the knowledge i need to do it.

think good thoughts... happy thoughts.... well guess i can finish my parents' taxes. maybe start my freelance writing career.

you know what? it actually  makes me excited to think i might be doing landscaping again. maybe part time landscape, then volunteer at the wildlife rehab center... or even better, get the zoo job!

marc is gonna love it when he finds out i am quitting. he was surprised i lasted 3 days at that job. did i mention i have ADHD and can't sit still?

... starting to think i pinched a nerve in my neck from that hockey incident... my right side of my head is kindof numb. is that a bad thing??

keep on truckin'

believe it or not, it has been hard to find the time to write in this thing. it's not that it takes a long time to write... it's just my mind is running in its own time zone, and it's not used to putting my personal thoughts on hold during work. so by the time i get home, my brain just doesn't want to take the time to sit down and organize my thoughts in a readable, writeable manner.

i mean, just read how sloppy my entries have been since i started working last week. case point. i just wasn't meant to work, that's all.

i was meant to play. all day. every day. and get paid for it. when somebody figures out how to do this, let me know. it worked while i was on unemployment, but the government is only so generous.

maybe it's because of the hit i took/brought upon myself at hockey on sunday, but there is something jingling around loose inside my brain right now, making me unable to write coherently. i swear, i am my own worse enemy at hockey. i can't stop very well anyway, plus my skates are very dull and well, it's fun to run into people... it was a pretty good collision with the wall and made a loud, exciting noise that you expect out of a pro-hockey game (certainly not out of a rec ladies' team!) but it lacked the meaning. I mean, not like i was really checked or anything - checking is not allowed - it just comes down to what I like to call "unrefined raw talent". this just means i might suck, but i give it all the effort i have! and sometimes this means i skate hard, fast... and then either run into somebody or fall over trying to stop. falling over makes me look sucky, but running into people makes me look tough and mean. Thus, I usually choose the latter at my own bodily expense.

"Is the answer Jesus?" anybody who knows that quote is automatically awesome in my book.

I submitted my pics for the contest - if you don't know what I am talking about, then it's not for you to know (yet). I got my animal planet audition tape all set and they changed the rules on me! now i need a partner, and need to redo the tape! which is ok, my sister and i would make one bad-ass team. linda's just as firey, aggressive, and stubborn as i am. grrr baby!

work is work. actually it's not much work. it's dull. i was not meant to be a secretary. i think i say that everyday. even when i try to convince myself that sitting and not moving all day is relaxing and fun, i still end up exhausted and mentally numb. today was better - got my first experience with the seeds, mixing and filling orders, blah blah. i should be more excited, considering this is what i thought i wanted to do - environmental restoration. except i either wanted to design it, or install it. not answer phones, send faxes, and write shipping labels. i guess it's good for me to learn how to be semi-domestic, but i'd prefer digging in the dirt any day. i actually got EXCITED at a job ad looking for tree trimmers. althought it gets tedious and monotonous, i love working with my hands and being outside and working up a sweat!! i was sad to get a notice in the mail from the forest service - i've gotten used to getting letters saying i was not qualified, or not referred to the hiring official, but this one (in Utah - awesome state!) said i was considered one of the most qualified but was not chosen. So close, yet so far! and it was actually a full time GS-6 position in forestry! the coveted full-time federal position slipped from my fingers again. i've done the fish and wildlife service, and the parks service... why not forest service? i'd like to add to my collection of govt. agency hats.

i can't believe i go to bed before 11. what a sad state i have become. i was meant to be outdoors and nocturnal. me as a secretary is like a wolf in a cage - it might work for a little while, but overall it's just a sad thing.

other last minute random thoughts:

i need to touch up my tattoo, and i want to get another one. i would also like to move out, which is higher priority than tattoos. looking at apts and houses, but i'm so afraid to get into a lease because what if funding comes up for grad school? do i move to montana? do i bother going? still one-track mind: zoo. zoo. zoo. gotta get that job. know i'm not gonna get it. probably going to move to brighton to split the difference btwn my current job, and any other possible jobs i might get. would love to move to the city - downtown - but not gonna happen. hate throwing $$ away on apts but who am i kidding, i'm never going to afford a house. i'm going to spend all my money on travel, outdoors gear, and books. need to buy clipless pedals for the bike, and figure out how to use them. also need to learn how to use my bike tool for repairs - what good is the tool on the trail if you have no clue what it does? also want to get a membership to planet rock. climbing is so fun... not quite the same indoors as it was in Colorado but it will have to do. gotta run. and run. and run. realized i should have actually hopped on that ferry to alaska from seattle; now i want new zealand, peru, and belize.

i promise i'm not decending into madness with my ramblings... i just have so much on my mind that it needed to get written down before i went to bed. goodnight, ya'll.

past my bedtime

darn.

i wanted to enter a good journal entry on here, but ever since i've started working, i've already been exhausted and just lacking enough time in the day to do everything i want to get done.

example: i taped my "king of the jungle" audition tape but have yet to transfer it and edit it onto a VHS tape instead of Hi-8. it's due the 29th. can anybody say "overnight shipping"??

i wanted to update on how the job is doing but well, the job takes up nearly every hour of daylight there is. literally. yikes, i really don't know what i got myself into, and what to do about it.

good: job is boring office stuff now, but if i suck it up for a while i am very sure that it may be the most monetarily and professionally rewarding job i could ever had. i'll explain later, but for some reason boss really has taken me under his wing and wants to teach me how to be the jiggy bomb of environmental restoration and consulting. so not only is it right up my alley degree-wise, but it could also pay big $$$. did i mention i now officially have an "hourly rate" that we charge people when i work on a project for them? i've never had my own hourly rate for clients (except when i'm doing my ho-thang of course)!! i feel like i've grown because of this. (ha! just being a smart ass again)

bad: i'm not cut out to be the secretary type. if you know anything about human evolution, i am wholeheartedly convinced that i am decended from the hunter type, as opposed to the farmer type. i honestly read something once that ADHD might actually be a naturally selected-for trait in early humans, because being restless, full of energy, yadda yadda (cant remember,  if i find it i'll link to it) is a result of the hunter-type having to constantly live a nomadic, active life; whereas farmers settled down. i know i'm explaining it poorly but i will make an effort to find it, if i ever get that animal planet tape done. ;)

UPDATE: here's the link for one of the ADHD evolution essays i've read. dont ask how scientifically based it is, because i dont know and i dont care. its just neat to think about. ;)

where was i? oh yeah, bad: i'm not a good secretary. i was not meant to sit down - ESPECIALLY indoors all day. and i'm mostly by myself; we work at boss' home, so he usually goes upstairs to his living room to make phone calls while i sit in the basement by myself. fortunately he has dogs i can play with, and i even got a radio, but still - lisa is social by nature. i mean, people are stupid and sometimes bother me greatly, but i love being around them. i'm sure somebody out there understands. ;)

it's also bad because it is nearly 120 miles round trip from work. over an hour drive each way. throw in a healthy dose of ann arbor stupid-drivers and my impatient, road-rage-prone Aries personality, and voila! instant exhausted, ticked off lisa blaring a certain ludacris song while trying to avoid the black cloud coming from a beat-up old toyota going 15 under the limit in the fast lane, strategically driving next to a person in the slow lane so you can never pass. and i get off work fairly late, so i dont even get home til nearly 6. i miss the days when i worked 2 miles from my house and was home by 4:10. it's wearing on me already, believe it or not. it is stressful to have such a commute, have to sit so long in the car, and then sit in front of the computer. i'm usually a stress-free person but this kind of couped up boredom is probably the hardest thing for me to cope with. i'd rather work 10 hr days outside in extreme weather hiking up and down mountains than sit in front of a computer for 4 hours... oh wait, that's what i did in colorado, and i loved it. 'nuff said.

so much for keeping this short. congrats to heather for filling her pockets with our money at this evening's poker night! hopefully i will see tara this weekend, and kevin, beth and i were going to go climbing until we realized that planet rock is closed for a competition this weekend. woops.

blab blab blab. time for bed. had lots of crazy dreams lately, but one recurring one has got me freaked out. recurring dreams for me do sometimes have a sort of clairvoiyant abilities it seems, it hasn't happened in so long but this time, i'm not so sure. three times in the past 2 weeks, i had dreams about marc that i dont actually remember what happens in them, but i do know that when i wake up i know something bad is goign to happen to him. not to him, as in physically, but someone close to him and it will hurt him emotionally. i mean, i have dreams when people die and stuff, but i never have dreams when i wake up genuinely sorrowful and worried and full of dread. it hasn't happened in a week, but the last time it happened i just woke up and knew something bad was on its way. ireally hope it's just my imagination running wild. marc's one of those people who does truly seem like he has some special kind of "luck" or someone/something watching over him (he's nearly died a few times - appendix, car crash i think - but crazy things happen and it all turns out ok), unlike anyone i've ever met. very intruiging. he also believes that if something happens, it was meant to be - fate, i guess. hope his luck isn't running out, and i hope if somethign does happen it has nothing to do with his son.

wonder what i'll dream tonite. more zombies and witch heads trying to possess me?

some pictures

for some reason they didn't upload yesterday, so i am trying again.